“This Closet Suffocates Too Much: The Struggles of Religious Homosexuals and Lesbians – Personal, Halachic, Social, and Therapeutic Issues”

Dr. Irit Koren

Dr. Irit Koren: The Religious LGBTQ+ Experience – Identity, Marginalization, and the Importance of Support

By: Eden Arazi

Dr. Irit Koren is a clinical therapist and author of Closet Within a Closet: The Stories of Religious Homosexuals and Lesbians. She specializes, among other areas, in therapy for religious LGBTQ+ individuals and their families. Bat Kol is proud to host her as a guest columnist, discussing the importance of support and therapy for community members.

Irit maintains a private clinic in Modiin and offers therapy in Hebrew and English. For those interested, she can be contacted directly: korenirit@gmail.com; 054-5665906.

Introduction: Early Exposure to the Subject

In 2003, I studied Jewish education at the Hebrew University. During a course on sexuality and gender, the lecturer asked us to write a coming-out letter to our parents. This assignment deeply affected me.

As a girl raised in a modern religious community, I had never addressed this subject. Even in the rare cases when homosexuality came up, the prevailing attitude was “that doesn’t exist in our world.” Simultaneously, my religious friend from high school came out. These parallel experiences forced me to examine my attitudes toward the topic, process my own feelings, and understand that yes, this does exist in our community!

Following these events, I decided to write my thesis on the subject of religious homosexuals and lesbians. This led me to interview religious men and women—Haredim, Mizrahim, and Dati Leumi—who shared their personal stories and struggles with sexual identity in a society that did not recognize them.

In 2003, my book Closet Within a Closet: The Stories of Religious Homosexuals and Lesbians was published by Yedioth Ahronoth [1]. It was the first book in Israel addressing this sensitive and previously taboo topic. The book received widespread attention in the secular world. I appeared on television programs such as Popolitica and various morning shows, as well as on several radio programs. However, the book received no attention from the religious world.

Although I was invited by Rabbi Riskin to speak at a rabbinical conference, it was clear that during and after the lecture, the rabbis were uncomfortable and preferred not to engage with the issue. Fortunately, some change has occurred in the religious community since then. Organizations such as HaVaD (Religious Homosexuals), Bat Kol (Religious Lesbians), Chavruta, and Kamocha were established. Increasingly, rabbis are faced with inquiries submitted anonymously online. Today, there is greater recognition that religious homosexuals and lesbians exist, navigating a double marginal identity that is challenging both for them and for their families. Many interviewees described a feeling of having no place in the world: in the religious community, they are different because of their sexual orientation; in the secular LGBTQ+ community, they are different because of their religiosity.

Continuing Challenges

Despite some progress in the religious community [2], I believe that significant misunderstandings persist regarding religious LGBTQ+ identity. Rabbis often struggle to address these issues and provide guidance, and both youth and adults experience considerable distress due to societal stigma.

The Dual Identity of Religious Homosexuals and Lesbians

When presenting to audiences of non-religious therapists—or non-professional groups—the first question often asked is: Why don’t they leave religion? Why do they insist on remaining in a culture that condemns them, fails to recognize their identity, and reinforces negative stigma?

To answer this, one must understand the dual and complex identity of religious homosexuals and lesbians. In my thesis research, later published in Closet Within a Closet, interviewees emphasized that they experience a “dual identity.” They feel they have no choice regarding either of their identities—religious or sexual. The following section provides an example of how interviewees perceive this duality.

Conflict Between Identities

Amiram, a modern religious man, struggles with his dual identity. Unlike Roy, he finds it difficult to reconcile both identities and feels as though he is in a lost battle:

“You feel like you are at war and your hands are tied…And you don’t want to give up anything.You don’t want to give up religion,And you don’t want to give up the commandments,And I don’t want to give up myself.”

A closer reading shows that the conflicting identities cause Amiram to feel at war. Interestingly, he switches between second-person and first-person perspectives: when discussing religion, he speaks in second person; when discussing his sexuality, which he calls his “self,” he automatically speaks in first person. Sexuality is integral to who he is—it is embodied—while religious observance, though part of him, can be approached with some distance.

In summary, religious homosexuals and lesbians experience inherent dual identities. Their religious identity is strong and self-evident; their sexual identity is equally undeniable. Denying either identity is often impossible or severely limited. They must recognize their dual identity, which may result in either ongoing internal conflict or eventual reconciliation.

The Unique Experience of Religious Women

One significant gender difference is the intensity of the internal struggle. For men, the primary struggle is with halachic discourse; some internalize religious prohibitions. As one Haredi interviewee said, “I am called an abomination.”

Women, however, express less distress about halacha and more about family and societal expectations. This may relate to the Torah’s stricter treatment of male homosexual acts. Leviticus forbids male intercourse explicitly, whereas female same-sex relations receive less severe attention. Nonetheless, women also struggle with disclosure and societal expectations.

Social Dimension: Double Marginality

Religious homosexuals and lesbians occupy a doubly marginalized social space: a minority in terms of sexuality and a minority in terms of religiosity.

Raymond (1994) argues that homosexuality is not just a subculture but also a stigmatized marginalized group within the dominant culture. Religious homosexuals and lesbians face additional marginalization due to differences in religion, ethnicity, and social class. Many interviewees felt they had no place in the world, confronting stereotypes in both secular and religious societies.

Michal describes this dual marginalization:

“There is hostility from both sides: the religious community condemns us, calling us abominations… I went to my first Pride parade and heard shouts about a culture war against religious people… I asked myself, ‘What am I doing here?’ I am a lesbian because I was born a lesbian—I have no common denominator in this community… In the end, I made a sign: ‘Don’t hate me for being a lesbian. Don’t hate me for being religious.’”

Religious LGBTQ+ individuals must navigate both secular LGBTQ+ circles, which often view religion as adversarial, and religious communities, which view homosexuality as adversarial. Within the religious circle, they also confront internal community norms and halacha, intensifying the struggle.

Challenges Related to Establishing a Home

Until recently, religious LGBTQ+ individuals faced limited options: remain single, marry someone of the opposite sex (with partial disclosure about sexual orientation), or risk psychological distress in unsuccessful marriages. Today, more options exist, and religious LGBTQ+ individuals increasingly create unique and complex households to establish families.

The Importance of Support and Therapy

Despite social progress, religious LGBTQ+ identity can still produce significant distress. Professional therapy can provide a safe and supportive space for individuals to navigate challenges.

However, finding therapists can be difficult:

• Secular therapists may struggle to understand why individuals remain religious and may perceive religious prohibitions as outdated.

• Religious therapists may feel constrained by halacha. During social work training at the university, we met a clinical therapist treating religious couples with sexual difficulties. Although she observed transgressions of prohibitions such as pornography and masturbation, she refused to provide therapy to homosexual clients due to religious prohibitions.

Some religious therapists adopt predetermined therapeutic agendas, including conversion therapy, contrary to the positions of the Israeli and American Psychological Associations, which view such interventions as ineffective and potentially harmful. Documented risks include depression, anxiety, and suicidality, underscoring the lack of appropriate mental health support for religious LGBTQ+ individuals and their families.

The Role of Parents and Social Support

Research shows that parental support is critical for adolescents’ emotional regulation and self-esteem, especially for LGBTQ+ youth (Ryan, Huebner, Diaz & Sanchez, 2009; Pardes, Katz & Kovalsky, 2011). Unfortunately, both secular and religious parents often struggle to support their children during or after coming out due to grief, disappointment, or difficulty reconciling the child’s reality with parental expectations (e.g., heterosexual marriage and children) [3].

For many religious LGBTQ+ individuals, the therapist may be the only empathetic and validating figure. The therapeutic setting provides a space to explore identity, receive support, and navigate psychological distress (King, 2001). Participation in support groups—such as Bat Kol’s small, confidential social support groups—can offer additional safe spaces to share experiences and gain advice, though these often supplement rather than replace professional therapy.

Ethical Imperative

The Talmud in Sanhedrin 37 states:

“Therefore, a single person was created, to teach that anyone who saves one life in Israel, it is as if they saved an entire world, and anyone who destroys one life, it is as if they destroyed an entire world.”

This principle underscores the ethical responsibility to help those in psychological distress. Parents and caregivers must provide support whenever possible. Individuals experiencing distress, depression, anxiety, or suicidal ideation must seek appropriate help to preserve their well-being, as emphasized in the verse “And you shall guard your lives diligently” [4].

Bibliography

Canonical Sources

• Feinstein, M. Igrot Moshe (Brooklyn Press), New York 5756.

• Rashi, Torah Commentary (Shawel Edition, Vol. 4), Jerusalem 5719.

• Babylonian Talmud: Nedarim, Berachot, Yevamot, Sanhedrin (photocopy editions), Jerusalem 5741.

Research Sources

• Halutz, D. (2012, November 30). “Enough of the Conquest.” Haaretz Supplement.

• Chen, Mike. (2009). Fear of Love. Tel Aviv: Dialog Publications.

• Lampert, A. (1994). The Evolution of Love. Tel Aviv: Ministry of Defense Publications.

• Pardes, Katz & Kovalsky. (2011). “Parents as a Secure Base in the Coming-Out Process.” Mifgash, 3:17-38.

• Koren, I. (2003). Closet Within a Closet: Stories of Religious Homosexuals and Lesbians. Tel Aviv: Yedioth Ahronoth.

• Schneidel, Z. (2006). “Religious Homosexuals in the Religious Community.” Akdamot, 17:85-114.

• Sharbat, E. (2001). Homosexuality in Talmudic Sources. M.A. Thesis, Bar-Ilan University.

Internet Sources

• Levinson, G. (2005). “At-Risk Religious LGBTQ+ Youth.” Psych Team. http://www.hebpsy.net/articles.asp?id=594

• Ministry of Health. (2011). “Suicide in Israel: 1981-2009, 2004-2012 Attempted Suicide Report.” http://www.health.gov.il/publicationsfiles/loss_2011.pdf

• Kamocha Organization: http://www.kamoha.org.il/?p=5533

• American Psychological Association Guidelines for Treating LGBTQ+ Individuals, 2012. http://www.betipulnet.co.il/portal/particles

More References:

arents, L. D. & Kimmel, D. C. 1993. Introduction. In Garents, L. D. & Kimmel. D. C. (eds.), Psychological perspectives on lesbian and gay male experiences (pp.1-51). New York: Colombia Univesity Press. Greenberg, S. 2004. Wrestling with God and Men: Homosexuality in the Jewish Tradition. Madison: Wisconsin. Matt, H. J. 1978. Sin, crime, sickness or alternative life style? A Jewish approach to homosexuality. Judaism, 105(27),13-24. Proctor, C. D. and Groze, V.K. 1994. Risk factors for suicide among gay, lesbian and bisexual youth. Social Work, 39(5): 504-513. Raymond, D. 1994. Homophobia, identity, and the meaning of desire: Reflections on the cultural construction of gay and lesbian adolescent sexuality. In Irvine, J. M. (ed.). Sexual cultures and the construction of adolescent identity (pp. 57-84).Philadelphia:Temple University Press. Ryan, C. Huebner, D. Diaz R. M. & Sanchez, J. 2009. Family rejection as a predictor of negative health outcomes in white and Latino lesbain, gay and bisexual young adults. Pediatrics, 123: 346-152.

[1] לעיון בפרק מתוך הספר ראו באתר של הו"ד; ולרכישה [2] להבנת הסיבות לכך שהציונות הדתית החלה לדון באינטנסיביות בנושא הומואים ולסביות דתיים בשנים האחרונות ראו מאמרו של שניידל, תשס"ו. [3] להרחבה על תגובותיהם של הורים ליציאתם מהארון של ילדיהם ראו ספרה של מק, 2009. [4] קבלת טיפול מתאים מצוי כיום וניתן לקבלו דרך טיפול פסיכולוגי פרטי או מכון כלשהו, או לחלופין דרך הצטרפות לקבוצות תמיכה של הומואים ולסביות דתיים המצויים בארגונים כגון הו"ד, בת-קול, חברותא, איג"י וכן הלאה.